ouch

Today I killed my car.

"How?" you may ask.

I would respond, rather wryly, "I ran into a cement wall a couple of times."

I was on my way to work, it started raining and as I slowed down I hit a "curtain of water." My car hydroplaned... spun out of control, hit the wall twice, air bags deployed on the passenger side, and in a few breaths it was done.

I panicked a little. Ok, a lot.

The whole thing could have been so much worse than it was. There were no cars around, and an ambulance was only a minute or so behind me. There was debris all over the road, my backpack flew out into the gutter, a piece of my car was on the other side of the road.

I didn't cry until my parents got there.

Emma is dead. Physically I'm fine. Just a sore head and neck. A fabric burn on my elbow.

I don't have money. I wanted to move into an apartment this summer. My insurance is going to go up. I probably get some crap car. Worst case scenario, another one of my car accidents keeps my parents from getting to go on vacation this summer.

I'll die if that happens.

We got some good news today. My dad is up for a really great promotion.

I'm still really numb about all of this. I don't know what to think. I have no idea what will come out of this. I can't foresee any good. I feel like I'm only 21 and I'm going to be stuck in this terrible rut of mistakes and wrong decisions for the rest of my life. Always paying back debts and never making enough money to survive.

Why did my car have to die today? What is that about? Why now? Why couldn't I just have that car for 7 more years. Drive it into the dirt, have some savings and get a new car? I really wanted to move into that apartment, too.

I'm a wreck. Literally and figuratively. Don't even get me started on school and work. And my head still kind of feels funny.

Can I get some love?