resolve

re·solve [ri-zolv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation verb, -solved, -solv·ing, noun –verb (used with object)

1.

to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something): I have resolved that I shall live to the full. 4. to convert or transform by any process (often used reflexively). 5. to reduce by mental analysis (often fol. by into). 6. to settle, determine, or state formally in a vote or resolution, as of a deliberative assembly. 7. to deal with (a question, a matter of uncertainty, etc.) conclusively; settle; solve: to resolve the question before the board. 8. to clear away or dispel (doubts, fears, etc.); answer: to resolve any doubts we may have had. 10.Music. to cause (a voice part or the harmony as a whole) to progress from a dissonance to a consonance. Noel Failure, no! Noel Disappointment, maybe, but no longer! Change is in the wind, right sir? Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

ouch

Today I killed my car.

"How?" you may ask.

I would respond, rather wryly, "I ran into a cement wall a couple of times."

I was on my way to work, it started raining and as I slowed down I hit a "curtain of water." My car hydroplaned... spun out of control, hit the wall twice, air bags deployed on the passenger side, and in a few breaths it was done.

I panicked a little. Ok, a lot.

The whole thing could have been so much worse than it was. There were no cars around, and an ambulance was only a minute or so behind me. There was debris all over the road, my backpack flew out into the gutter, a piece of my car was on the other side of the road.

I didn't cry until my parents got there.

Emma is dead. Physically I'm fine. Just a sore head and neck. A fabric burn on my elbow.

I don't have money. I wanted to move into an apartment this summer. My insurance is going to go up. I probably get some crap car. Worst case scenario, another one of my car accidents keeps my parents from getting to go on vacation this summer.

I'll die if that happens.

We got some good news today. My dad is up for a really great promotion.

I'm still really numb about all of this. I don't know what to think. I have no idea what will come out of this. I can't foresee any good. I feel like I'm only 21 and I'm going to be stuck in this terrible rut of mistakes and wrong decisions for the rest of my life. Always paying back debts and never making enough money to survive.

Why did my car have to die today? What is that about? Why now? Why couldn't I just have that car for 7 more years. Drive it into the dirt, have some savings and get a new car? I really wanted to move into that apartment, too.

I'm a wreck. Literally and figuratively. Don't even get me started on school and work. And my head still kind of feels funny.

Can I get some love?

i take it back

tom hanks is a really good actor.

forrest gump is amazing.

i need to re-watch a lot of movies.

of my very own

i want a irish rock star of my very own.

or

the rock star friend of mine.

pretty blue eyes.

cannot express

love is not the right word. i say "i love blank" all the time. or "this is the best ever." which cannot all be true. nor is love as flighty as that. all things which you, my readers, if i have any, know.

whoa, lots of commas.

so three things i've really been digging recently. maybe a few more than three...

1. Vampire Weekend's self-titled debut. Awesomely fun music reminiscent of 60s British rock, in a way. I really like it. It's been in my CD player pretty much non-stop since last Saturday. And though the 11 tracks get a little blendy (as in: they bleed into each other) it's still really great just bopping along music. Perfect summer CD.

2. twizzlers. i've been lifeguarding a lot lately. and twizzlers are my snack of choice on the stand. they're easy to eat and really fun to share with the other person i'm guarding with. makes for good times.

3. podcasts. i recently finished my internship at the church and have been figuring out what i want to do with myself for church. podcasts are great. via their audio i can visit churches all over the country. last Sunday i went to California. this Sunday is Mother's Day, so I'll be at my mom's church. next week, maybe Michigan... who knows?

4. speaking of California. there's a guy out there named Francis Chan. if you haven't heard of him, go find his podcast. he's great. he just released a book called CrazyLove. it's a good read.

5. quotes. i am such the sucker for quotes. there was this John Piper one in FC's book that i absolutely need tattooed on me somewhere as a reminder. and then this morning i got this one in an email:

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.
-M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and author (1936-2005)

certainly a fitting quote for my life currently.

5. anytime i'm with friends. i know that's a given, but certain happenings make you aware of how lucky you are when you have a lot of really true friends. community. it's what makes me sort of a communist. i love the idea of doing life together. sometimes i forget i need to. but there are so many more laughs and memories when there are other people around.

6. c.s. lewis's chronicles of narnia being made into movies. i'll be honest that i'm really looking forward to the dawn treader because it's my favorite book. but something i saw yesterday made me even more excited for this movie: switchfoot in narnia.

ok, so that's double what i said i'd give you. there's more. maybe i'll tell them to you tomorrow. love! high-five and a peace sign :)